PND

I decided when I started writing this blog that it would be an honest account of my experience through pregnancy and once you arrived. That is the sole reason I'm writing this post, I think it's important that you know my experiences and it'll probably help me to get over it and I WILL get over it.

Yesterday, I went to the Doctor because I'm feeling very low and at times, when you're particularly screamy, like I lose my grasp on control. It feels a bit like I'm pretending to be a good mum - I'm torn between thinking people are fooled when they tell me I'm a natural and thinking they're lying. Honestly, I've been feeling this way for a few months (it hasn't been this bad throughout, it's definitely worse now). Daddy has tried to help me a few times but I refused to acknowledge anything was wrong. I feel so ashamed, you're such a wonderful baby and I love you so much. I should be happy. I'm scared people will judge me. I'm scared they'll think I can't look after you and take you away from me.

Anyway, our Dr wasn't in yesterday so Auntie Lora came with me to see a locum. Unfortunately, it was a wasted journey. The Dr didn't speak very good English and was a bit deaf, which didn't help. I opened up and explained, it made me cry so Auntie Lora had to fill in the gaps. The Dr told me it was PND but couldn't help because I'm breastfeeding you, contrary to Auntie Lora's experience. He advised I fight it like I had been for two months and go back when I stopped feeding you.

I hadn't really thought about when I would stop breastfeeding you but since you've been here and since we spoke to Auntie Lora about weaning, I'd thought I might carry on until you could have whole milk (so around a year). The thought of two months feeling like this scares me but eight months?! I can't even bear to imagine that.

Needless to say, yesterday was not a good day. I left the surgery distraught and exhausted and today I'm shattered.

At least I have told my sisters and my mum now so I have some support and I told Auntie Kerry when I came home too. We're off to Spain for Auntie Hannah's wedding tonight so I'm going to try and have a relaxing time with Daddy, Nanna and of course, with you, my beautiful baby. I'll see our Dr when we're home if I'm feeling brave enough.

I love you more than I can possibly explain. I'm so sorry but I'll try my hardest to get through it and be the best mummy I can be.